Fear Money?

Why would we women discuss health, relationship, job issues and even scars related to past abuse and/or domestic violence, but NOT money?  For a HOST of reasons, not the least of which is fear!

• Fear about not understanding our investments
• Fear about actually totaling our monthly expenses
• Fear about running out of money
• Fear about not being smart enough to learn or talk about money
• Fear (and embarrassment) about not knowing what we don’t know
• Fear about daring to converse with our partner, if we have one, about money

Fear is our greatest enemy—it’s both paralyzing and expensive.   We need to become fearless, which does NOT mean we’ll never be afraid again.  Being fearless is a commitment to progressing beyond our current state of “stuckness”.

Self Esteem and Money

Remember back to the surge of energy and power we enjoyed when we broke through and conquered an earlier fear?  We can expect that same increased self esteem when we take our next step financially as well.

First let’s examine history to see that socialization has played a huge role in our second-class financial citizenship, witness these excerpts from the May 13^th 1955 Housekeeping Monthly’s The Good Wife’s Guide advising wives on how to greet their husbands as they returned home after work:

• Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
• A good wife always knows her place.  After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

Granted, we‘ve come a long way, but we women are still far too uninformed on matters financial.

Do you know your own finances?

Both of us have heard dozens of widows lament that they hadn’t inquired about their money issues with their husbands while they could listen and learn the rationale behind their portfolios or insurance coverages.  So while it may not be comfortable now to learn about finances, we’re living longer, so we’d better ensure we have enough money for the entire journey.

Money is a leading cause of contention in relationships because money masks other psychological issues.  Even couples who enjoy effective communication on other topics, can be challenged around money.  Both men’s and women’s insecurities are triggered because money represents power; it’s a loaded topic indeed.

A good partnership is equally comprised of two strong individuals and a strong WE.   If there is a power imbalance particularly in the WE, intimacy is surely compromised.  So, if we feel one-down too much of the time, it’s high time to address tactics to get ourselves back on more equal footing, in money matters and elsewhere in our relationships.

Is your partnership’s power imbalance solely around money?  If so then broaching the topic in conversation may be a viable place to start.  Likely, your partner may not have any more knowledge about money than you, but somehow—inferred or overtly—was elected decision maker.  Many men who control the money decisions are secretly insecure about their own inabilities as well, so you will want to pose questions that invite conversation—“I’m eager to learn more about our finances, honey”, rather than accusations—“Why don’t you ever tell me anything?”–in order to open a dialogue that perhaps has been closed for years.

Remember, women, it’s never too late to ask the hard questions about whether or not you are on solid financial footing.  If the answer is no, now’s the perfect time to identify the gaps, and take corrective action so that the power of compounding can work in your favor.

Debra L. Morrison, CFP®, MS, AEP

Marjorie Lewis Steinfeld, PhD